A few days ago a lovely, shiny envelope dropped through our letterbox. A long-standing NTL customer, we’ve now been swapped over to the spangly Virgin Media, which is apparently a “brand new entertainment company”.

The language used throughout the documentation is all painfully hip, going so far as to include a terms & conditions pamphlet entitled “Boring (but important) stuff for you to read”. It feels like the voice of the school teacher trying to be credible with the kids – “I know it’s a drag Jimmy, but you really can’t smoke in class”.

And as for those terms & conditions… My second favourite is B. 3. d):

“You accept that your telephone number must not be advertised in or on a public telephone box. If this happens, we may immediately suspend the services or end this agreement. However, we will use reasonable endeavours to contact you before we take action.”

Whatever could they be alluding to? There’s no similar proviso for toilet cubicles though, so I guess that’s ok. The bit about “reasonable endeavours” is quite sweet though.

Speaking of reasonable, pride of place goes to D. 5):

“If a set-top box or a cable modem forms part of the equipment, you should take reasonable steps to make sure that, while it is not in use, the electricity supplied to it is not turned off and that it is in standby or rest mode (unless we advise you otherwise).”

Does “reasonable steps” mean I should be looking into some kind of generator in case of power cuts?

It’s pretty brave to see Virgin take a stance against all this poppycock about global warming though – a contractual obligation NOT to turn off something even when you aren’t using it. That really is going against the flow. I wonder if they know something we don’t? Maybe Richard Branson’s given up on the planet already – he does seem suspiciously interested in space travel.